Introducing Your Week 7 Opponent: Miami Hurricanes

With less than two months until kickoff, its time to roll through the upcoming FSU schedule with little-known and untrue facts about the Noles’ opponents in 2007. Enjoy.

The University of Miami was chartered in 1925, but did not begin in earnest until 1926 when George E. Merrick gifted 160 acres and nearly $4 million dollars to the University. The University underwent a series of misfortunes, including the 1926 Florida land-bust, the 1926 Miami Hurricane (UM’s namesake), and the Great Depression of 1929. The construction of the first building on campus, now known as the Merrick Building (in honor of George Merrick), was put on hold for over two decades due to economic hard times. In the meantime, classes were held at the nearby Anastasia Hotel, with partitions separating classrooms, giving the University the nickname of “Cardboard College”. *

In 1930, La Universidad Miami del Santo Castro erected a white stucco wall around its compound in Coral Gables, in an effort to preserve the educational integrity of the institution from the Capitalist pig dogs running the streets of Miami proper. The wall, the integrity, and the loyalty to Marx stand to this day. In fact, all campus housing facilities remain open to the school’s alumna, and their gastrointestinal whimsy. After the fall of state communism, the school’s altruisitc collectivism was frowned upon by many observers, especially La Universidad’s effort to bring affordable education to the proletariat. But the collective dream of Lenin that inspired such passion among the working classes in the past has been thankfully revived by the new cabal.

In 1979, Comrade Schnellenberger proposed an adjunct sporting team for the educational institution. “The footballerniks”, as he called them, would remain entirely separated from La Universidad, and therefore would not interfere with the students’ vital studies. The Comrade even suggested an entirely separate fan-base, devoid of any Santo Castro undergraduates, to preserve the young scholars in their classrooms.

Comrade Schnellenberger and His Footballerniks, circa 1981.

Instead, the team would draw its support from Miami’s proletariatest of proletariats, shunning all those suspected of cooperating with the bourgeoisie, or practicing personal hygiene. Shiny gold chains and sweaty, sleeveless jerseys were handed out to mark the team’s supporters. The stadium was also kept far from the school’s campus, allowing the student body to be completely insulated from all distractions of the team, or their dirty, dirty fans.

Comrade Schnellenberger’s arrangement so pleased the Ghost of Joseph Stalin that the football team was granted the Spell of Wayward Placekicks, to use as a hex on its opponents. The Spell was used effectively by many coaches and players to bedevil rivals Florida State, until 2005 when Comrade Coker broke Stalin’s stipulation that the Spell not be used more than twice by a reanimated corpse, lest it be reversed.

 Corpse Comrade Coker 

Recently the communist utopia that inspired La Universidad has been co-opted by totalitarian regime, bent on denying the proletariat of the fruits of their gun shops labor, aligning the footballerniks with bougeoisie traitor fans, and even depriving the working class of their identity. While this new administration seems dangerous in the extreme, it is believed that their aspirations of world dominance can be held in check with a decent pass rush.

*This is all true. I apologize for not fabricating a wilder introduction, but I honestly could not.

Previous Opponents: Clemson, UAB, Colorado, Alabama, NC State, Wake Forest.

~ by Halleck T. on July 31, 2007.