Introducing Your Week 6 Opponent: Wake Forest Demon Deacons
With less than 2 months until kickoff, it’s time to roll through the upcoming FSU schedule with little-known and untrue facts about the Noles’ opponents in 2007. Enjoy.
The year is 1834 and the battle for America’s everlasting soul is in a stalemate. After the Great Rhode Island Orgy of 1720, the Puritans in the Northeast finally threw up their unsoiled hands and sang aloud, “Fuck it.” The 1692 Witch Barbeque had irretrievably diminished the Puritan assembly, and the Orgy was the last straw. With the battle lines between Good and Evil murky, the North Carolina Baptist State Convention was called to order. The members decided to establish an educational proving ground on a large plantation in The Forest of Wake, and initially called it the Wake Forest Manual Warfare Institute. Both students and faculty were required to spend half of each day in hand-to-hand combat with Lucifer and his minions.
Wake Forest Campus, circa 1908.
After 112 years of incessant, bloody struggle, Evil was down by multiple scores late in the game. Some of Beelzebub’s favorite children, of the R.J. Reynolds bloodline, offered a sinister compromise- they would build the devil his own school in Winston-Salem, completing the prophesized Menthol Triumverate. The devil agreed and left the existent campus to “the pompous dorks,” who renamed it The Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary – Winners, Baby, What?!
Free of constant battle, Satan’s cronies were able to start a football team, and a squadron of B-10 Bombers. Though the devil lent his likeness and support to both, the football team struggled to have the same success on the field as the bombers were having delivering high-incendiary munitions to far reaching targets. Two-thirds of Wake Forest head coaches have left the school with losing records, despite having yearly contests against North Carolina, NC State and Duke. Many observers attribute the sorry state of the program to Lucifer’s busy schedule and lack of attention. When reached for comment, the devil simply stated, “I don’t have time for this shit.”
The football team did have a moment in the (proverbial) sun last season. Aided by Satan’s fury that Bobby Bowden would attempt to have his son usurp the deal he made for wins, and The Dark Lord’s decision to rain all manner of amphibious reptile from the sky in the Tallahassee night, the Demon Deacons narrowly escaped Doak Campbell with a win, in a nail-biting 30-0 contest that went down to the final possession. Bowden was made compliant by the loss, and promised to “never upset Daddy again.”
What happens when Daddy’s upset.
Previous opponents: Clemson, UAB, Colorado, Alabama, NC State.
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